“I Want You to Be Happy”: How an Often Well-intended, Simple Phrase Can Mean SO Much More

If there is one thing that my personal and professional experiences have taught me above all else, it is that feeling bad is often a prerequisite for truly feeling good, despite what many people today believe. In the all-too-common attempt to bypass many of the bad feelings that are a natural a part of the human life, at best, most end up in some fictitious, make-believe, feel-good land for a period of time, but rarely is it an effective or satisfying strategy in the long run. And encouraging others to take a similar approach when they are having a difficult time, often has the opposite effect of what we hoped. Yes, there are times when, despite the best of intentions, our positive psychology prescriptions actually fuel the pain we wish to soothe in others (and of course ourselves, when applicable). For example, when a loved one gets sick or passes, being told to be grateful for the time you had with them, or to focus on all the positive experiences you shared with them, often sounds like nails on the psychic chalkboard. And when things like this happen, it is more likely the person will shut down and keep their pain to themselves opposed to working it through with a compassionate someone, as our physical-emotional bodies were naturally designed to do.

Another thing my personal and professional experience has taught me is that everyone wants to experience as much positivity and happiness in this lifetime as possible; therefore, we need not worry that if we find the courage to be with another in their pain instead of encouraging them to flee it, that we will be depriving them of any net happiness in their lifetime. In fact, we may be offering them a pathway to a greater net sum of happiness in the long-term. By processing and metabolizing the pain associated with difficult life experiences, room for that wonderful happiness we say we want for them is created. Without creating that space, we are left trying to grow a bountiful garden in a bed of weeds: good luck—better tend to the weeds first!

When we say things like, “I want you to be happy,” we may be more literal than we are aware. It seems that an unconscious truth is being conveyed a lot of the time when these phrases are used. “I want you to be happy,” might be inconsiderate and dismissive to someone who is experiencing significant pain and sadness. We might actually be saying to them that what I want is more important to me than where you are right now. Often the person struggling hears this as, “I accept you in your happiness, but not in your pain, so I would like you to change that for me; hell, even fake it so that I don’t have to feel trapped in this discomfort with you.” Now sure, sometimes we are simply trying to be kind and helpful to another, and we may think, “I know they would like to be happier too, so that’s why I want it for them; what’s wrong with that?” Well, should that be genuinely true, I’m simply encouraging a different approach in an effort to avoid the potential for any unintended messages coming through. For example, I propose that we first try and understand the others’ pain and offer that understanding back to them. Phrases like: “I hear that this is a really hard time for you. I’m happy that you felt comfortable enough to tell me you aren’t doing well. If you’re up for it, I’d be happy to hear more and just listen, or… I’m happy just to sit next to you while you process some of that hurt so that you don’t have to be with it all alone.”

Most of the time, there isn’t much more to say: There’s nothing broken that needs to be fixed, and nowhere else to be, except in it. And, by sitting with someone and being able to look them in the eyes, maybe hold their hand, or offer a genuine, compassionate hug, we are likely doing far more to help them move toward a genuine experience of happiness in the future than by trying to help them construct some lonely, manufactured version of it in the present. Yes, things may appear to get worse for them in the beginning (if they become more honest with the actual depth of their struggles), but it certainly appears to me to be the best way out in the long-term—toward a more authentic version of happiness than would be achieved by employing various shortcut strategies around difficult emotional encounters.

And finally, how we are with a person is often much more impactful and helpful than what we could ever say to them in words alone, so it is also my encouragement that we focus our attention on how present we can actually be should someone take the extraordinary risk to be vulnerable with us in this way. Should we find ourselves dissociating or beginning to offer advice or other forms of positive feedback, then it may be truer than we would like to admit: It really is about what we want, and not as much about the one we tell ourselves we are trying to help. And if that’s the case, then that’s likely an indication or a sign that we have some of our own work to do around the unresolved pain we carry in our own lives. Either way, the suppression of physical-emotional pain will never effectively lead to resolution or the happiness we may seek for ourselves or others, so best to avoid all related temptations, even though it’s harder up front and takes more courage to do.